wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
