So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My ATM looks so different sober.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
