i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
