i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
