I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
