I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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