i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
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I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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