the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
