Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
