1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
