do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
