dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Actions speak louder than pants.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
