i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Randomize
