you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
