I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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