Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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