UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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