dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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