She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
