Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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