WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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