My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
