Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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