My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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