You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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