i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.