I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
