There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
