LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
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I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.