fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
