I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
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my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....