I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.