I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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