It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
