nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
