i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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