He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i think i just lost a toe
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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