I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
