I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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