Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
