Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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