I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
