shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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