I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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