It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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