My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
