i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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