8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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