god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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