She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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