No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let's get the cat blown out
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
