Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
