Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
