The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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