he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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