I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
