Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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