this beer tastes like vomit already
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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