sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
