pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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