So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
