So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
