Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
